To the Edge and Back
By: AW & Arachnia
Rating: K+
Pairing: J/C
Summary: Kathryn's been to the edge many times, and this is just on of those times.
Disclaimer: I don't own them, just borrowing them for a while.
Length: 9196 words
Date: December 1999
Kathryn glanced across the bridge. At the helm was a young ensign, a remarkably talented young man, but he was not Tom Paris. Tom Paris was in sickbay helping his wife deliver their child into the world. *I wonder if it's a boy or a girl?* Kathryn looked back at her engineering station, hoping to see B'Elanna Torres' face staring back at her, but of course she was in sickbay too, doing most of the work. *I hope you're faring all right B'Elanna.* B'Elanna was a very strong woman; she would do just fine. Probably not without trying to kill the holographic doctor, but she would be fine nonetheless. She stared at her First Officer, always at her side, always helping her as much as he could, *Always so good looking.* Some days she could just reach over and lick him he looked so tasty, but protocols Kathryn. And some days she just wanted to order, *Protocols be damned.* But she didn't, and so her lonely life as Captain Janeway continued.
Three hours later, Chakotay was staring at Kathryn across the bridge. She was working on the warp core diagnostic. They had found a way to improve the efficiency of the warp core by 12%. It didn't seem like much, but it was something, and with a journey like theirs...it just might be enough to get them home. *Is Earth home anymore?* Chakotay wondered where that had come from, but he knew. That came from him looking at Kathryn where she was most comfortable. She was a scientist before anything else. You could see the intelligence, see the mind working, the wheels turning. The slight, lopsided grin when she figured out the answer, the furrow of her brow when the answers eluded her. Yes he loved Kathryn Janeway, but she was the cheese in the mousetrap, the unattainable goal, and he would just have to be happy to watch her live and learn, and be content in the fact that she was the best friend he had ever had.
*~*~*~*~*
The Doctor was really getting sick of the lieutenant's abuse. He looked over to where his new assistant, Ensign Dana Watkins was attempting to restrain the thrashing lieutenant Torres.
"Bring him over here Tom so I can kill him." She looked to the pretty young ensign who was at his side. "While you're at it, bring her too. I'll take a shot at them both...but him first."
Tom almost grinned but thought better of it if he'd like to live. "B'Elanna, killing him won't do you any good, besides he's a hologram, I don't think even you could kill him." *But I'd rather you not try, especially with her.* Dana Watkins had in many ways been his savior. Her willingness to participate in the medical side of things around Voyager had decreased his shifts two fold, and she was nice...and smart. She had a brain like only two other women he knew, his wife and Kathryn Janeway.
"Want to make a..." B'Elanna screamed out as her child moved farther down the birth canal and closer to his appearance in the world. Tom had found out it was a boy, he had known almost immediately, but she hadn't wanted to know, so he had kept it to himself. She would find out soon enough.
"Push lieutenant."
"Alright ensign, time for your first stroll into the realm of the birthing process." The doctor positioned himself at the foot of the bed and gave her instructions. B'Elanna was vaguely aware of the fact that this woman, this stranger was the one helping to guide her child into the world.
Ten minutes later, it was over. Dana handed the new baby to his father. Tom held his beautiful baby boy. "Here he is B'Elanna. Jeremy Chakotay Paris."
B'Elanna held out her arms and took the baby into them. "He's beautiful Tom...thank you so much."
"Can I go ahead B'Elanna?"
"Sure Tom...of course. Your privilege."
Tom walked over to the mediconsole opened a ship-wide channel and yelled, "It's a boy."
And that was it. The child had been introduced.
*~*~*~*~*
"It's a boy!"
Kathryn heard the words and let a smile touch her porcelain features. She turned around and looked at Chakotay a gleam in her eyes, and something else. Something Chakotay couldn't read, but it gave him a feeling of unrest. *Something's not right with her.* He couldn't put his finger on it, but something wasn't right.
*~*~*~*~*
Kathryn walked into sickbay and walked over to the isolate where baby boy Paris slept. She peeked inside and saw the card announcing his name, birth date and parentage. *Welcome Jeremy.*
Kathryn felt a tear slip down her cheek. It wasn't a tear of joy; it was a tear of sorrow at the fact that it would never happen for her. *Never will I feel what she did today. Never will I have a child to call my own. Never will I...*
Kathryn slipped out of sickbay, but not before Tom saw her, and realized that she had not even said hello to him. *Life would go on.*
*~*~*~*~*
She ran an unsteady hand through her suddenly graying hair as she walked from sickbay into the corridor. She felt old, so old today, forty-something seemed like seventy-something. Tomorrow, it would feel like death. She wiped her face with her hands and brought them from her face, staring dismally at her fingers.
Instinct told her that Tom, behind that door, was going to come after her and ask her what the hell was wrong with her. Knowing this, she quickened her pace and let her feet take her where they willed.
Her feet took her towards Neelix's kitchen.
A surprising thing, but when she thought about it, she knew why her feet took her there. The doors admitted her before she could order them otherwise, and she faced the darkness of the room. Strange. She had never been here before without people surrounding her, crewmembers bustling at every corner and sitting at every table. She recalled shared smiles and humorous conversations exchanged in this mess hall, which had worked in joining their dual crews together and uniting their destinies.
A distant peal of laughter echoed in her lukewarm memory and a smile brushed into her forlorn face as she moved forward.
"Captain!" said a shocked, familiar voice. She looked up, expecting to see chef Neelix standing near the cafeteria with a friendly grin and armed with a recipe that would do away with her sadness. But no Neelix, only the ghost of an old friend, fading away in her mind. She walked behind the counter, knowing where Neelix put his rare treasures. Romulan ale, she decided, remembering Academy stories about Captain Kirk's fondness for the stuff, so many years before her birth. Captain Kirk. A legend. A legend that found it necessary to wash away his cares with alcohol, and seek the counsel of an aging doctor who belittled his first officer. She grinned, at the memory of that story.
She discovered a secret stash in the very back of Neelix's kitchen, and uncorked a very old bottle. Circa 2080, the label told her. For some reason, she found that fact extremely funny, and bubbled with concealed laughter. She was drunk before she'd even taken a sip, she thought, aghast. Finding a paper cup in Neelix's supplies, she took it out and poured herself a brimful of ale. After the foam cleared away she took a good, long pull at the liquor, and twisted her face at the bitter taste.
"Captain!" said that same familiar voice, once again. She grimaced. Hallucinations, she was having hallucinations, she told herself firmly. That futile thought worked until Tom appeared in the doorway, looking concerned.
"Captain? What are you doing in here?"
"Drinking," she said, suppressing a giggle and taking another swig of the ale. She showed the cup to Tom, as proof, because he looked so confoundedly agoggle. "Want some?"
"No, I. . . I'm fine. The question should be, are you fine Captain?"
"Perfectly. Never been better," said Kathryn jovially, refilling her cup. The liquid in the glass bottle was half-gone. Tom would have to think of something, fast, or his Captain would be too drunk to take the morning duty shift. Did it have something to do with the arrival of his child? Could she . . . as soon as the thought crossed his mind, he inwardly shook his head. It couldn't be.
"Captain, do you want to talk about what's bothering you?" he asked.
"No, I've already talked to the ale, Tom."
For a moment he looked at her, a bit of shock creeping over his youthful features. He'd never seen Janeway like this. Probably because she never gets drunk.
"Maybe we should get you to sick bay, Captain."
"No way, I have had enough of that damned Doctor."
"You need to talk to someone, Captain. Do something."
"I am talking to someone, Tom, I'm talking to you," she said, sipping her drink.
"No. . . No, you need to talk to someone who can help you deal with your problems."
A long pause fell between the two of them. "Maybe you're right," Kathryn said, trying desperately to suppress a yawn and failing miserably. "Computer."
"Yes," said a monochrome voice from out of nowhere.
"Please locate the nearest Holodeck."
"The nearest Holodeck is on level 7."
"Thank you."
"Goodbye, Tom, it was nice chatting, but I've got to see an old friend," Kathryn said as she walked from the barstool towards Tom and the exit, which he was blocking. She patted the new father on the shoulder. "A very old friend, indeed."
"Captain---? Maybe you should talk to Commander Chakotay about this."
"No thank you. Talk to that son of a bitch? I know what I want, and you're not stopping me, Tom."
"So you are just going to waste away in a holodeck fantasy?"
"That's the basic idea, yes. Goodbye, Tom, I have a little holodeck program waiting for me."
She left Tom standing stunned in the doorway, and headed for Level 7, stopping any laughter that threatened to spill out each time each crewmember who passed her stared in awe with wide eyes. What, they'd never seen a terribly drunk Starfleet captain before?
Kathryn grinned again, a twinkle glittering in her clear blue eyes. Leonardo da Vinci would see the humor in her situation.
*~*~*~*~*
Kathryn had a nagging thought that she might regret her crew seeing her drunk in the morning, but she didn't worry about it, not right now. At the moment she had other things to think about. Like why her life sucked. Like how she was going to tell Leonardo da Vinci about the fact that she would never have children. That the person who could give her those children was right in front of her face but she was too stupid to let it all go. About the fact that she sometimes lay awake at night running a hand over her flat stomach wondering just once what it would be like to carry a child in her virgin womb. *Oh Kathryn, you have to get past this. You can't lead the crew like this. You can't expect to Captain a ship while thoughts such as these are occupying your every thought.* Kathryn headed into the holodeck.
"Computer run program daVinci..." *Oh man, I can't remember the name of the program.* "da Vinci..." *Oh hell, I give up.* She went to walk out of the holodeck only to run into a large object. She looked up and realized this was the cause of her sorrow. The man behind her problems. *You're supposed to be on the bridge Chakkers.*
"Kathryn?"
She looked up at him, or tried to. "Don't Kathryn me you stupid pompous ass, this is all your fault." Then she fell on her butt, on the floor and started laughing hysterically.
"You're drunk."
She giggled some more. "Duh."
Chakotay went to pick her up. *She can't weigh more than a 100 pounds.* We'd better get back to her quarters...if anyone else saw her like this...then he felt her feeble attempts at punches.
"Kathryn, what are you doing?"
Kathryn rolled her eyes. "What do you think I'm doing? Trying to beat you up so you'll put me down." She started giggling again. *A giddy Kathryn Janeway, now there's a new one.*
Chakotay carried her all the way back to her quarters. He keyed in the override codes and let the door close behind him. He tried to lead her to her bedroom, but she backed away from him. "What exactly do you think you're doing mister?"
He had suppressed his dimpled smile and the laughter that threatened to take him over. "I was going to put you to bed. I think you'll feel better after a good night's sleep."
Kathryn looked at him and he could have almost sworn she wasn't so sloshed she couldn't see for a moment. Then it was gone. "Commander, are you going to show me your command style?" She waggled her eyebrow at him suggestively.
Was she coming on to him? *Lord I can't deal with this right now.* "What say you go to bed and we'll talk about this in the morning."
"How about you join me and I'll really have a good night's sleep Chak?"
*Chak?* "How about I don't. It would be much better if for tonight we went our separate ways."
She looked at him; she had an animal gleam in her eyes. "Well Commander... What would you do if I backed you into a corner and kissed you?"
"I'd..." Then she pounced on him. She backed him up against the wall and he was surprised at how much strength she had in that little, tight, compact body of hers.
He tried to resist her, but in the end gave in and let himself go to the kiss that was his fantasy, as well as the end all and be all of who he was.
Their lips softly entangled with one another, their breathing steady and even. . . Chakotay moved his hand towards Kathryn's neck, and his fingers played with the hair about her nape. She pressed herself deeper into the fantastic kiss, and he welcomed her succulently, his hand moving from her hair to trace the delicate features of her face.
When his fingers outlined her paintbrush eyebrows over those crisp blue eyes, he suddenly stopped and froze. His hand stiffened in its place.
She drew back from him, ending the kiss so suddenly that it left his thirst for this woman unquenched. He stared at her, his deep eyes driving into her skin. She looked puzzled, hurt, and confused, a drunken gleam filming over her emotions, but they were still there, and she would still remember them.
"I can't do this," he said. He felt the need to explain his actions, both to himself and to her. "Kathryn, I don't want 'us' to be like this. . . I can't take advantage of you."
She began giggling, the laughter bubbling up her throat and spilling out her lips. "Come on, Chakotay," she said, light shining in her eyes. "You love me, don't you?"
"Yes," he said. "That's why I can't do this."
"Damn you," she said, breaking into another uncontrollable fit of nervous laughter.
With that, she walked from the room, leaving him standing there feeling confused and quite empty.
*~*~*~*~*
Come late morning, Kathryn Janeway awoke with a headache that felt like it was splitting her skull apart. She shuffled from her bed, rubbing heavy sleep from her eyes, and glanced at her chronometer. Gods, she thought, her eyes jumping: she had missed her duty shift by ten minutes!
She felt alarmed enough to shove her atrophying body into the sonic shower, after shedding her nightclothes. A hiss, and the sonic waves hit every part of her, washing away her troubles and last night's actions? She jumped into her uniform, and snapped out an order to the replicator for a hot black coffee. With her hand curled around the mug, she sipped the bitter substance and then threw it in the disposal. The caffeine, contrary to what she was hoping, did nothing to abate the pain in her head. And, time was running out. She'd never been late to a duty shift in her entire life. Why *now*?
The corridors seemed different this morning as she briskly hiked down one in order to reach the turbolift. As soon as she'd made it to the lift Commander Chakotay dived in after her, barely missing the closing of the doors.
A nagging voice inside her told her not to say the first word.
But he didn't speak; his eyes only drifted ceiling ward.
She cleared her throat. . . still, not a sound from her first officer.
Considering the ensuing silence, she resigned her gaze to the ceiling. At least they were looking at the same thing.
The doors swished open, to reveal the Bridge in full. Officers snapped their heads back to look at them, and Tuvok rose sharply from the command chair.
"Captain. Commander," said Tuvok.
"Tuvok," said Kathryn, nodding in acknowledgement. She took the offer of the chair and sat down.
Chakotay took the seat next to her.
They were both very formal, and very quiet. The bridge hardly noticed a difference as Tuvok assumed his regular post.
The stars flew by the viewscreen uneventfully, as Kathryn closed her eyes briefly against the pain.
"Captain Janeway, please report to sickbay."
The crisp, methodical voice of the Doctor bit into her stream of consciousness.
"Doctor, this is highly irregular. I am not ill," said Kathryn, annoyed.
"Are you thick in battle against some force of evil right now?" asked the Doctor.
"Not at the moment," admitted Kathryn, although at the moment, she dearly wanted to lie.
"Then you have no choice. Lieutenant Paris tells me he is concerned about your mental health," said the Doctor.
"My mental health? I beg your pardon Doctor, but what does ensign Paris know about 'my' mental health?"
"Would you like me to announce to the bridge crew the scene he described for me very early this morning Captain? Or would you like me to explain why you're late for your duty shift perhaps? Now...would you please report to sickbay...NOW."
"Very well, I will be down, but only if this examination is brief. There's nothing wrong with me," said Kathryn.
"So you say," said the Doctor. His link fizzed out.
Kathryn stood up without saying a word and headed for the turbolift.
"I'm coming with you," said Chakotay, standing up as well and staring her in the eye. She shook her head. "Tuvok, you have the bridge."
"Aye, aye," said Tuvok, and Kathryn could have sworn she sensed annoyance in his voice just then.
And so once more, Kathryn and Chakotay found themselves together and alone in the turbolift.
This time, the silence felt depressing, and the time it took to reach sickbay was everlasting. When they finally reached sick bay Kathryn stepped from the lift first.
Then, Kathryn saw B'Elanna's baby, and the chief engineer herself, holding the child in her arms. She smiled and approached the two; B'Elanna, immersed, didn't notice the approach.
Chakotay wisely stayed near the door.
"How is she?" asked Kathryn quietly.
"Sleeping," said B'Elanna, recognizing the new visitor. "Shhh."
Kathryn reached out a hand to gently brush the baby's delicate strawberry-red hair back, and sleepily he nestled deeper into B'Elanna's embrace.
"Captain," said the Doctor, a congenial grin spread across his face. "So good of you to come on such short notice."
The baby woke up just then, his little eyes snapping open.
B'Elanna and Kathryn shared suppressed smiles.
"Commander, do you need psychiatric counseling as well?" asked the Doctor seeing Chakotay standing near the doorway.
"I believe I do," replied Chakotay.
Kathryn reeled around and stared at Chakotay. "That's not funny Commander."
Chakotay looked at her somewhat mortified. "I never said it was...Captain." He said it with more than a little hostility in his voice, emphasizing her rank. "I don't know what the hell your problem is. You get drunk, you come to 'me' you demand things I can't give you because of your state, and you know I would 'like' to give you more than anything...You've even got Tom worried for God's sake. What is this all about?"
Kathryn looked daggers at him. "That is none of your business, I'm f..."
"The hell it isn't any of business. As your executive officer and as your best friend it becomes my right. The Kathryn Janeway I know, sorry used to know, would never have done anything like this to me or to yourself."
Kathryn could not believe what she was hearing. "You're out of line Commander, and this has nothing to do with you..."
"Is that right? Then why is it that every time you get in a tiff about something, you come to me. Why is it that if you're going to break down it's in front of me? Why did I get the pleasure of hearing about the loss of your fiancé...what were you trying to do? Throw it in my face? Well I've had enough. You won't hear from me again. No more Kathryn and Chakotay, only the Captain and Commander. You've dug your own grave sir, and now you're going to have to lay in it." With that lovely lasting impression he left. He hoped he had gotten through to her and that she would come to her senses and come and tell him what had gotten into her and why she had done what she had done.
Chakotay had noticed this had all started after the birth of Tom and B'Elanna's son, and he had a pretty good idea what was going on, but he needed to hear it from her. He needed her to tell him. He needed his Kathryn back, but he needed her back willingly, and that was a feat he was not sure was going to be easy to pull off. *Please come back to me Kathryn. You can have it all.*
Kathryn stared at the doctor. "May I go?"
The doctor got that sarcastic look on his face. "We haven't resolved anything Captain. I'm not sure you're fit to Captain this vessel."
"On what are you basing that Doctor? On the comments of Tom Paris?"
"No on the comments of Tom Paris, your First officer, and your tactical officer. They're all worried about you and I would be too if I was in their place. You've been acting irrationally, you've been out of sorts, and according to Tom and Chakotay, you went and got drunk last night. This is hardly responsible behavior for someone of your status on a ship like this."
"Are you questioning my competence?"
"As a Captain no, you are quite capable of making sound command decisions, but Captain, you consist of two parts. The Captain, and Kathryn, and right now Kathryn is severely lacking. I'm giving you a mandatory three day leave."
Kathryn opened her mouth to respond. "This isn't a choice Kathryn, as of now, Chakotay is acting CO. I suggest you deal with whatever is bothering you, or you're going to be Kathryn for a lot longer than you think.." He saw the stunned look on her face. "Computer, deactivate the EMH."
Kathryn knew she had lost and she was none too happy about it. She marched to her quarters, where she broke down and cried for the first time in a long time...it almost felt good. She knew what she had to do, and she knew who she had to talk to. Kathryn went to sleep that night with a renewed sense of hope, but she still aired on the side of caution because hope and broken dreams could kill a person, and there wasn't enough of Kathryn left to risk any more. Someday...
*~*~*~*~*
Kathryn slept a fitful sleep. She had tossed and turned for most of the night, and when she had finally managed to wake, she was lying with her sheets huddled around her feet. *Kathryn, what is wrong with you?* But she knew, she could answer her own question. Her life had been lacking for far too long. One could not live without companionship, and she was trying to do just that, and she realized she couldn't. *Chakotay please forgive me, and give 'us' one more chance...*
Kathryn walked out into the hallways, she was wearing nothing but her pink silk nightgown, and had no need to hide herself. She had checked the chronometer. No one was walking the halls at 3 am, she normally wouldn't be either, but it was her night for reconciliation, her night to save her soul...just her night.
She walked aimlessly, not knowing what she wanted or what she had to do, yet knowing instinctively that each of the things she didn't know she wanted could be found chez Chakotay. She found herself in front of his quarters and rang the chime without even thinking about the late hour, or the fact that last time he had seen her, he had very nearly killed her in his anger.
She heard muffled sounds from inside the cabin and saw the door open, and watched Chakotay squint as the light filled his quarters. "Kathryn, it's 3:30 am, what do you want?"
His voice was so cold, she felt the tears well up in her eyes. She would not cry, but he saw and she knew.
"Oh Kathryn," he couldn't see her suffer like this "come here." He brought her into his quarters his inner sanctuary. She had invaded the last part of him, and he wasn't sure if he could ever let her go again after today.
Kathryn sat down on his couch. She started crying tears of love, tears of joy, tears of missed years and missed opportunities. "Chakotay, please forgive me, I never meant to hurt you the way I did. All I ever wanted was...." She couldn't look at him.
"What Kathryn?"
She hesitated. "All I ever wanted was you."
He wouldn't look at her. He didn't want her. She had waited too long. He had moved on. She had pushed him away one too many times. Her body was shaking with uncontrollable sobs. She got up and ran away. Away from the memories she could no longer control. Away from the thoughts of New Earth, the possibility that any of her dreams and hopes for a future would ever become true.
She sat down on her chair. Her sanctuary. The place Seven had reprimanded her and told her of her faults, her wrongs in her decisions. This was where she corrected all her mistakes. This is where the healing always began, but she doubted even her chair could help her tonight. She gave herself in to the tears.
She sat there crying for longer than she could remember, or cared to admit. Until she heard the door chime. "Come." Whoever heard her would know she had been crying. It was hard to mistake the signs, the puffy eyes, the tear stained cheeks, the fact that she was still up at nearly 4 am.
Chakotay walked into the darkened quarters. *What is wrong with her?*
"Kathryn?"
He heard the muffled sounds coming from very close. He saw the shadow covered painfully thin form of Kathryn Janeway. "Oh Kathryn."
"Chakotay, I'm sorry. I should never have let myself go like that."
"Why though Kathryn? You've been pulling away from me, ignoring me and my feelings. I love you, and even if we can never be together in the way I would one day like us to become one, I am still you're best friend."
Kathryn had tears streaming down her cheeks. "Chakotay, I'm afraid that if I let you in any closer I'll tell you what I really want out of life, and that you'll give it to me."
Chakotay looked at the fragile woman in front of him. "I don't understand. If it's what you want, and I want the same thing why can't we make it happen?"
She shook her head at the fact that he didn't understand. "Because Chakotay, we can't."
She was now facing the view port. The Captain had come back in full-force. "No Kathryn. Don't give me that shit about protocols and about the crew. You tell me what you want, and I'll help you make it happen. We'll make it Kathryn. We can have it all, if you'll just step outside the Captain's shell for a minute and let me talk to Kathryn."
She turned around, her eyes blazing. "Chakotay, we can't. If we ever did, command structure would go out the window. I would no longer..."
"You would no longer have control, right Kathryn?" He looked at her. Those months ago, when Tuvok had told him, that Kathryn Janeway's strengths were also her weaknesses, he was right. "Kathryn, let it go. Let it all go, and live. You can live the life you always wanted here on Voyager." He went up to her and picked her up and brought her to the bedroom. He set her down on the bed.
She was confused what was he doing? "Kathryn, you have to trust me. Now let's talk."
He made her face him, he made her look him in the eyes. "What's going on with you?"
She hesitated then the words came. "I want the things I can never have."
"Which are what Kathryn?"
She looked up at his open face. So full of love. "Love, a family all the things Starship Captains can't have. I want to live in a house with a white picket fence, and have children everywhere. I'm sick of fighting. I want to have a storybook life with my husband. I want," she left a large pause, a hesitation where the silence was deafening, "I want a life with you."
He examined her, his eyes probing hers, taking in her face. Did she really mean that . . . or was she intoxicated yet again?
"What about your protocols, Kathryn?" he asked quietly, remembering her favorite excuse. "What about your damned command structure?"
"Don't give me those lines, Chakotay," she said, matching his probing stare eye for eye. He could see an array of emotions in those eyes; they were shadowed, but they certainly existed. "I know them too well." Her last words dropped to a whisper.
"I know you too well," he said softly, delicately. Then he dived into the heart of his thoughts. “The arrival of Tom's and B'Elanna's child makes those lines irrelevant?"
For a moment she was caught speechless, like himself two moments ago. For a moment he thought she'd break down, or run from the room, or slap him in the face. Anything but what she said next. "The arrival of Tom's and B'Elanna's child made me realize that those lines were only excuses, nothing more."
A long pause hung between them just then, a long, gentle pause in which Chakotay whispered, "Kathryn..."
She felt her mouth go dry, parched like a desert. She knew the only thing that would quench her thirst. "Chakotay," she whispered, bringing her hand up to trace the lines of the tattoo etched into his forehead. His lips parted.
"Are you intoxicated?" he asked quietly, feeling a smile pull at his mouth.
"Aren't you?" she countered, her face finally breaking into that smile he knew so well and loved so well. He suddenly found it all hilarious, and he laughed, his instantaneous laughter sending star-twinkles into his eyes. He folded his Kathryn within his arms.
Then she kissed him.
The kiss took him by surprise, and he stumbled back a little. He caught himself by placing his hand quickly on the wall, and nearly falling over in the process. He kissed her back, a move that regained his composure. . . and then they kissed each other, a kiss that brought them both back to his bed. He held her gently, as he sank down to a sitting position on the bed, and yearning for her mouth against his once more.
They guided each other into the bed. As the beautiful night dwindled into morning, Commander Chakotay, formerly of the Maquis, and Captain Kathryn Janeway, of Starfleet, became one.
And at the back of Chakotay's mind, a subtly nagging question persisted: *When will I wake up??*
True to his doubts, the dream ended at approximately 0800 hours the next morning. Chakotay's eyes opened and he turned around, expecting to tell his beloved about a lavish breakfast he'd been inspired to cook. Kathryn, however, was missing.
Chakotay got up, and stepped on something. He heard a crunch beneath his feet. *Damned data padds. I really shouldn't leave them around. It was probably just the crew roster. I can redo it.*
He got ready for another day without the Kathryn Janeway he had known the night before.
*~*~*~*~*
Kathryn had awoken early that morning. She had forced herself to leave her nice cozy surroundings. Encompassed by love, understanding and Chakotay's arms.
She had typed a quick note for him on a data padd and left it for him on the pillow beside him, ready for him to read. It was an explanation for why she had had to leave him early that morning. It was also a thank you for the night before, and a plead to never leave her in this lifetime, for she had discovered last night that she loved him more than life itself.
Captain Janeway sat at her post on the bridge. Tom Paris noticed she positively glowed. He had informed the doctor and he had agreed to let her come back to work. Tom assumed that last night things had happened which had awoken her desires and her dreams. He assumed that the Commander had something to do with this. He was glad she was happy. He let a grin appear on his face, and let out a chuckle.
"Something funny Mr. Paris?"
"No ma'am."
Kathryn winked at him, and he knew things would be okay.
*~*~*~*
Chakotay entered the bridge and nodded his greetings to everyone except the Captain. He noticed that all of a sudden there was a tension on the bridge that he had not noticed since their first days in the Delta Quadrant. He forced himself to look at the Captain and hoped that all the pain and anguish she had caused him was there for her to see. He hoped she realized that he would not let her hurt him like that again.
Kathryn looked deep into Chakotay's eyes and knew the look. He conveyed two words in his eyes which was the end of Kathryn, 'It's over.' She could not live without him, she needed him. *What went wrong?* she wondered.
*~*~*~*~*
Over the next few weeks the tensions slowly diminished, but the comfortable friendship that they had once had was missing. Everyone noticed. Kathryn was not happy, and Chakotay was miserable.
Chakotay had been browsing through Tom's twentieth century music database. He had discovered a song by a group called 'Hootie and the Blowfish.' He realized he liked it because it portrayed all the pain and anguish he had felt over Kathryn, and everything she had done to him. He realized he loved her and could never live without her, but at the same time, he wasn't sure if he could deal with her rejecting him once again. He needed her, but even love wasn't worth the pain she sometimes put him through.
Alone
As I sit and watch the trees
Won't you tell me if I scream will they listen to me?
And it makes me wonder
If I know the words will you come
Or will you laugh at me
Or will I run
What would you do Kathryn? Laughing was the last thing I would expect. I would not expect you to laugh at my pain, my life long dream shattering, but a life with you was beyond even my dreams and hopes. *Will I run?*
Little boy says to me
Where you going now son
I said I don't know where I'm going boy
I only know where I'm from
*I'm not sure I even know where I'm from anymore.* Voyager used to be home, without Kathryn, I'm not sure it is.
And it makes me wonder
If the stars shine when my eyes close
Does my brother's heart cry
Oh I don't know
*I don't know anything.*
I'm a stranger in my own home
It's not my home though, it's Kathryn's ship. Everything I see, everything I touch reminds me of her. Ever since that night, even my sheets smell of her. My life reeks of her and her life forces. I need her, but I have to move past it. I need to get my life back in order.
Now that everybody's gone Someone please talk to me, cause I feel you cry
I can feel sorrow, but Kathryn, you left me. I need to move on. I... He couldn't even finish his sentence. He forced himself to say it out loud. He had to say it to myself "I do love you Kathryn, but I have to move on."
And you're sitting with him
And I know I'll never see you again
I'll never see Kathryn again, the Captain I will be forced to see every day, but I will never let myself see the Kathryn I fell in love with.
Lying down rejoicing under the Carolina sky
You see I'm tired feeling this pain
I'm tired of living my own little lie
I can't live the lie. "I'm sorry Kathryn. We could have been so good together."
And it makes me wonder
When I see you in my dreams
Does it mean anything
Are you trying to talk to me
I'm a stranger in my own home
Tell me are you feeling alone
Someone tell me what to do
Cause I'm feeling strong
And I wonder how you feel
Whether you realize
My pain is for real
This is real Kathryn. This wasn't a little game you can play with me.
I see you in my dreams
And I wonder if you're looking down at me
And smiling right now. Oh I want to know
If it's true
When he looks at me won't you tell me
Does he realize
He came down here
He took you too soon
Oh lord
And now my days are short
And my nights are long
I lay down with memories of you
It keeps me going on
Now I know that it makes me wonder
As I sit and stare
Will I see your face again
Darling do you care
I'm a stranger in my own home
Living life all on my own
Right now I just can't see
Cause I'm feeling weak
And my soul begins to bleed
And no one's listening to me
Not even the trees
Nothing Kathryn, gives you the right to do this to me. No matter how much I love you, I have to let you go. I need to, to get on with everything.
*~*~*~*~*
It had been three weeks. Chakotay had been ignoring her for six weeks. No matter how much she tried, her pride refused to let her go to him. If he really loved her, he would come to her.
Lately she had been feeling awful, and she knew what was wrong. Her dreams had come true, she had gotten what she had wanted...but now she wanted nothing more than to forget that night ever happened, and to let herself forget everything. Problem was in about 32 weeks, she would have a permanent reminder of their night of passion, and his refusal to love her the way she wanted to be loved. She knew what she had to do. She scheduled the procedure for early the next morning.
Early the next morning she reported to sickbay. The doctor had told her it would be quick, relatively painless. That she might experience some cramping, but nothing overly obtrusive or that would disrupt her ship's business. "Captain, are you sure you want to do this? Have you told the Commander?"
Kathryn looked down, her hand traveling to her abdomen. "I don't need him to know. I can deal with this on my own."
The doctor looked at her. She was troubled. "Captain, at least give it a week. Get used to the idea of getting pregnant, if you kill this child, you may never forgive yourself," he hesitated before getting his next words out, "and don't you think the child's father has a right to know?"
She looked up at the doctor. "Fine, schedule the procedure for a week from today, as for telling the father...he lost the right to know the minute he decided I wasn't worth paying any attention to." She got up and walked out of sickbay.
The doctor, knew what he had to do. He contacted Tom Paris. "Sickbay to ensign Paris."
"Paris here, if this about me missing my duty yesterday, B'Elanna..."
"No Mr. Paris. I would however like you to report to sickbay at your earliest convenience."
Tom Paris let out a huge sigh. "Alright doc. I'll be there in twenty minutes. Then we can talk about whatever was so important that you needed to see me so urgently."
"Very good ensign."
Tom Paris was sitting there wondering what the hell the Doctor wanted. He had just spent time in sickbay an hour ago. He sat there with Jeremy. "Tom Paris to Samantha Wildman."
"Wildman here, what can I do for ya Tom?"
"I was wondering if you would watch Jeremy for a few minutes?"
"Sure Tom, how long?"
"Oh a couple of hours. The doc just called me in."
"Okay, drop her by whenever you're ready."
"Thanks Sam, I owe you one."
"Any time Tom."
*~*~*~*~*
Tom walked into sickbay, it appeared that the EMH was offline. "Computer activate the EMH."
Doc came online. "Please state the nature of...Ah! Mr. Paris."
"Okay doc, what do you want? I'm supposed to be looking after Jeremy."
The doc knew he was completely disregarding the notion of doctor patient confidentiality, but he needed to get through to Kathryn Janeway. "I would like you to look at Captain Janeway's medical files. If you see anything anomalous, please inform me." He looked at Tom Paris, his look almost pleading. "Computer, deactivate the EMH."
Tom thought this was the oddest thing the Doctor had ever asked him to do. He also knew the doc wouldn't have interrupted him unless it was important. He called up the Captain's file. He looked at it in stunned silence. *Janeway's pregnant? And she wants to abort the baby?* He read on. There was an addendum to the file, it read. "I am not sure how to proceed. Captain Kathryn Janeway wants to terminate her pregnancy without the father's knowledge, and I for one, am not sure how to proceed."
Tom thought about everything. About Kathryn's reactions to the arrival of his son, about the revelations she had made in her drunken state. He needed to stop her, or he knew this was something she would never forgive herself for doing.
"Computer locate Captain Janeway."
"Captain Janeway is in her quarters."
Tom left sickbay; he had to get through to her and soon. The clock was ticking; he had a week.
Tom reached Captain Janeway's quarters and rang the chime to be let in. No answer. He rang the chime again...still no answer. "Tom Paris to Captain Janeway."
Tom heard a pause then, "Janeway here."
"Captain I need to speak with you for a minute."
He heard the sigh over the comm line then, "Fine Tom, meet me in the mess hall at 0800 tomorrow..."
"Captain, I need to speak with you now. It's urgent."
"Fine I'm in my quarters you can..."
"I'm outside your quarters, can you please let me in?"
"Mr. Paris, this had better be important. It's late, are you sure this can't wait until..."
"It can't wait Captain, now please let me in."
The doors opened and Tom walked in. Her quarters were completely dark. "Where are you Captain?"
"I'm here Tom. Now just get to the point. I know this has nothing to do with the warp core, or with the ship's status reports. So cut the crap and say what you want to say. Tell me what you want to tell me."
"Kathryn, I know about the baby. I know you're going to..."
"It's not a baby Tom. I'm only about six weeks pregnant. It's not a baby, it's a zygote. There is nothing to talk about. I can't have this baby, and I won't. End of story Tom, thanks for the visit."
She walked into the bedroom. The room was so obviously off limits. She didn't think that even Tom Paris would go there, but he did. He walked right into her bedroom. And then he said something she didn't expect. "Computer. Lights to full illumination."
"Ensign that's enough..."
He looked at her. Her eyes were red and puffy. She had been crying. Then he realized what was going on here. This baby was the one thing she really wanted in life, that and Chakotay, and she was going to throw it away because she was afraid.
"No it's not enough Captain. It won't be enough until you admit you love that oaf of an Indian first officer of yours. You're carrying his child. There is a person living in that still very flat stomach of yours. In a couple of weeks it will start to swell. You will be able to feel that child moving. You will fall in love Kathryn..."
"That's why I can't let myself last that long. Once I know Tom, once I've accepted this child as a baby, my baby I won't be able to let it go. Why am I talking to you about this? This is none of your business..."
"Yes Captain, why are you talking with me about this? Shouldn't you be talking to that baby's father? Doesn't he have the right to know you're carrying his child? It takes two to create a child, shouldn't both parties know of its existence. Let me tell you Kathryn, if B'Elanna had aborted that child without me ever even knowing, I would never have forgiven her. And I think that if Chakotay ever found out about what you're about to do...he will never forgive you, and you can kiss all your hopes and dreams goodbye."
With that lovely thought Tom Paris left Kathryn Janeway's room. He just hoped it had been enough.
The next week went by without a hitch. Kathryn still had her ideas of what she was going to do about this nuisance of a child in tact so exactly a week later there she was in sickbay. She was wearing her surgical gown, waiting. The doctor approached her, he assumed Tom Paris had failed. He reached up to give her the hypo spray...and, "Wait doctor. I thought I could do this. I can't, thank you for your patience." She ran out of sickbay without a second thought. She was still in her surgical gown, he looked after her and realized that today a new era of sorts had been forged, an era where a captain could have it all.
Kathryn ran all the way back to her quarters. She took off the surgical gown and started to put on her uniform. She was midway through getting dressed when she stood in front of the full-length mirror. She was wearing her undergarments, but nothing more. She ran a hand over her still flat stomach and realized for the first time, that there was a child growing there. She was touching her son or daughter, and nourishing it in a way she had never thought she would achieve. She had reached that goal that she had wanted those months ago when she had seen Jeremy for the first time, and even if Chakotay didn't want to have anything to do with her child, he still had a right to know. She finished dressing and headed out to Chakotay's quarters to tell him of the news, she only hoped he was as happy as she was.
She reached his quarters, she was looking as prim and proper as always. She had her hair up in her bun, as the years had progressed she had grown her hair back, and she realized she had done it all for Chakotay. She waited for him to answer, or to grant her entrance. Finally, after about a forty second wait the door opened. "Hello Kathryn."
"Chakotay, I think that's the first time I've heard you call me by my name rather than my title in the past month."
Chakotay was going to blow up. This was dumb. What did she expect? She had made love to him, then left the next morning without so much as a goodbye. She had never loved him. "What did you expect Kathryn? Did you expect that if you just left like that that everything would just be okay? I gave you my heart and my soul, and you left without so much as a goodbye. I loved you Kathryn."
Kathryn had tears in her eyes. *Loved me?* "You loved me, does that mean you no longer love me? And I did tell you. I left you a data padd with the information on it, it also had a poem Chakotay, and a letter. Wasn't that good enough for you? I wanted to let you sleep because I knew how tired you were. I loved you then, and I still love you now. And I need you Chakotay, more than ever."
"You never needed me Kathryn. I don't think you ever did." This was the hardest thing he'd ever done. Here she was, ready to give him her all, and he had to turn her away. Once burned twice shy. "Kathryn, I need you to leave. I can't deal with you. I'm sorry, I always thought that this is what I'd wanted, but..."
"Chakotay, I left you the note. I assumed you'd found it. I thought you had regretted our night together after the cold shoulder. Then I found out about the baby, and I couldn't not tell you. I..."
"The baby?"
Kathryn started crying. "I'm pregnant. I'm carrying your child. I found out a week ago. I went down to sickbay, I was going to abort, but I couldn't do it Chakotay. I thought about what I was doing, and it was out of fear, I couldn't do it. I do love you, and even if you will no longer reciprocate those feelings, I can't throw away the one reminder of our memory, and our brief life together. I'm so sorry, Chakotay." She turned to walk away. She turned to leave her life behind.
"Kathryn, I never found the padd." Then he thought about the padd he had stepped on that morning all those weeks ago. "That was the one I stepped on Kathryn. I woke up that morning and broke a padd that had fallen on the ground. Until just now, I didn't know you'd left me a message. From my point of view, you had left me. I was heartbroken...I do still love you Kathryn, more than life itself."
He started crying too. They were crying for the lost time, the life they had almost missed because of a small misunderstanding. He picked her up and carried her to his bed. He laid her down and started slowly undressing her. He took her mouth and kissed her making up for lost time. He kissed his way down her body until he reached her belly where his child was being nurtured. He looked up and saw the love and happiness shining in her eyes.
Kathryn reached up and brought her finger up to his face. She slowly traced the lines of his tattoo. "Will our child wear a symbol like this?"
"If you want him to."
"What makes you so sure it's a he?"
He laughed, the sound made her heart soar. "I love you Chakotay, promise me you'll never leave me alone again."
He looked at her, "never until death do us part." The words sounded too real. "Kathryn, I know you can't marry us, but I want you to wear the symbol of my tribe. As far as I'll be concerned, it'll make us married."
She looked at him. "Yes."
"Yes what?"
"Yes I'll join you. Yes I'll wear your tribal symbol. Yes I love you more than life itself."
He picked her up off the bed and spun her around. He set her back down on the bed and gave himself to her completely. They reacquainted themselves with each other's bodies. Chakotay realized that over the next months he would constantly be reacquainting himself with her body as it grew to accommodate their child.
Chakotay awoke early the next morning. He snuck down to sickbay and stole the laser scalpel. He brought it to his quarters and waited for Kathryn to awaken.
Kathryn slowly awoke, she remembered last night. The promises, the lovemaking. She hoped she wasn't dreaming. She needed this to be true, for her and the child. Her hands slowly worked their way down to her abdomen. She ran her hands over her stomach in a circular motion as if soothing the child, which lay deep within her womb. *I'll never let you go baby.*
Chakotay watched as Kathryn slowly awoke. He saw in the shadows of the room Kathryn's hand make it's way down to her stomach. He watched as she traced a circular pattern over their baby. *She loves this child already.* He watched a smile touch her lips. He walked over to her bed and gave her butterfly kisses on her temple. He showed her the scalpel.
"Chakotay, what is that?"
"That," he pointed to the instrument, "is how I am going to claim you as my own. This is how we're going to share my tribal symbol, but I also have to add something to my tattoo which is a representative of you my wife, and here's what I was thinking." He showed her a picture. She nodded her assent.
Later that morning the two of them showed up on the bridge. Kathryn was still a little sore where he had branded her as his for life. They took their places on the bridge and started their life again, as a couple, never to be separated by anything...till death do us part.
THE END